5 Steps To Coming Out

Now I know this post is probably going to turn heads simply because everyone's experiences are not exactly one in the same. Therefore I will put this disclaimer above:

Disclaimer: These steps, below mentioned, are of personal opinion. (I speak from personal experience- therefore it is advisable you take into consideration your own situation before applying these steps to your own.)

I have always maintained that coming out is an extremely personal experience, and no one should be forced to do so prior to the time they feel necessary. The issue should be addressed whenever YOU feel it need be. Having mentioned all the above, I have thought up 5 steps to help guide all those still closeted. It's important to bare in mind that these steps could take up anything from one month to 5 years...Ultimately you set the pace- and it should be one you're comfortable with.

STEP 1: SELF ACCEPTANCE
I've said it before in My Coming Out Story : accepting yourself for who you are is pivotal. One needs to feel comfortable within their own skin before they can approach a situation like this. I believe what one should do is strip down what it means to be gay, layer by layer. Redefine the term "homosexual". Everyone is a victim to societal pressure- which has ultimately resulted in us having a preconceived idea of what it means to be homosexual. Throw that image away and reconstruct one from research and personal experience. To do so one can visit sites/blogs that display different sides of homosexuals that one is not exposed to on a regular basis. View the dynamics of a gay family on Gay Family Values or watch how openly gay athletes embrace their sexuality on the FEARLESS Project. Alternatively, one could speak to openly gay people about their experiences, exposure to successful homosexuals will allow you to realize your potential is never affected by your sexuality. Essentially you should become more comfortable with the term 'homosexual' and be able to associate/identify with it, without feeling ashamed or saddened.

STEP 2: RESEARCH/EDUCATE YOURSELF
This step goes hand in hand with the first. As you begin to come to terms with your sexuality it is vital you educate yourself for your own benefit as well as others'. This step is of importance because once you have come out, friends and family will turn to you with questions regarding this new information. Prepare yourself in advance by learning about homosexuality and it's relevance in your community. What does one educate themselves about? About the fundamental issues that relate to being gay, these include:

• Your Rights. (Is it legal to identify as gay within your country/community, Can you marry, What are your rights within the working place, Are you legally allowed to adopt) All these questions should be contemplated prior to the time. 

•  Health Issues. (Sexually Transmitted Diseases are, unfortunately, synonymous with the gay community- learn about them and prevention techniques/methods as well as possible post exposure treatments- such as P.E.P's. There are also many gay sport clubs within certain communities, as well as sites like Outsports and chat sites such as RealJock- which cater to gay men who show interests in sports and gym).  

•  Benefits. (Contradictory to popular belief there are benefits to being openly gay. These vary from country to country. Competitions such as Mr Gay World are open to only gay contestants, also certain colleges/foundations offer bursaries and scholarships to openly gay students such as The Harvey Milk Scholarship. Apart from this, there are many businesses owned by gays that offer special prices to gay clients as well as support fellow gay owned/ gay-friendly businesses- it's a form of self sustainability) 

• Other Aspects. Any other personal aspects that could be affected should also be researched. Perhaps it may relate to security or lifestyle changes, or even regarding relationships and sex life- which ever it may be, make sure it's not left out!

STEP 3: ASK QUESTIONS
I've placed this step alone to highlight the importance of it. Ask QUESTIONS!! It's always great to speak to people who have had first hand experience, and to ask any possible questions you might have. Fortunately there are search engines which allow you to ask questions in the safety of your own home. Yahoo! Answers is a forum that allows people to post questions anonymously which can then be answered by random yet relevant people. (There are many other similar forums too). Alternatively, one could also email someone, such as myself or other bloggers/social figures, with their questions- these people needn't even be in the same country! By asking questions one can ensure more comfort and enlightenment in coming out, ultimately this an opportunity to reassure yourself about the future and what to expect.

STEP 4: PREPARATIONS
Preparing to come out is a step neglected by many. When considering when to come out, one should consider as many aspects as possible, some of these aspects include:

• When You Will Come Out. The date is of great importance, it is one aspect that could aid you in coming out. Remember: The day should be of slight importance to you and preferably not important to the family/people you are telling (I.e - Not Mom or Dad's birthday or a religious holiday if your family is religious). A neutral day is probably most suitable. NOTE: You MUST feel comfortable with the date, it should be done when you are READY!

• Where You Will Come Out. Another aspect that you can play to your advantage is where you choose to tell your family/friends. By deciding on a place prior to the event, you are ultimately contemplating a place for everyone to digest the information you will be telling them. It's probably best to tell people in a more intimate environment if it's the first time. Remember: Social/Busy environments make it difficult for people to genuinely react, it also makes a situation more stressful, however for some these situations might be significantly better. You decide which is best because you know them best. 

• How You Will Come Out. Probably the most contemplated aspect of Coming Out is How it'll be done. Practice what you will say before hand, to best prepare yourself. Remember: You want to come across sincere yet certain. Ultimately, you want to express that this is not a decision, but simply you pursuing a more authentic life, a life of fulfillment. You also want to reassure your family/friends that your intentions are not to break away, but to allow them a greater understanding of yourself. NOTE: You should expect the worst reactions, but hope for the best. This is a personal issue, do not deviate from the point: You are gay, and you want them to know this because they are of importance to you. It's advisable to let them know that you are here for any possible questions that may arise and that you want to help rather than rebel. Keep it as serious as possible and reassert your sureness, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING GAY!  

• The Small Details. You want to be as prepared as possible for this day so don't overlook the small things. This is usually an emotional situation, one in-which you want to feel as comfortable as possible, so slip on your most comfortable clothes and favorite pair of shoes. Perhaps you could cook a meal, to reassure your commitment to the family. People are usually more susceptible when you've taken them into consideration, so you're more likely to have them respond positively if you've shown effort. Remember: The atmosphere plays on people's emotions too- make the atmosphere as comfortable as possible for both yourself and the recipients. 

• THE BACKUP PLAN. Now you've prepared for the worst. In the case that your family/friends do not respond well- you want a plan to retire to. This could be a place to stay should your parents want you out the house or it could be a fellow LGBT member who has agreed to help you out. Remember: You have to take into consideration what you parents reaction could be, ESPECIALLY if you're solely dependent on them financially. Your backup plan doesn't necessarily have to be permanent, it just has to be reliable. 

 ***COMING OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND PRESENT:***
As appealing as it may sound, in many instances it backfires. People may suggest that your boyfriend/girlfriend has influenced you into being gay (as pathetic and impossible as that sounds), they also may shift the blame/hate/anger onto him/her. Therefore, I would suggest you rather tell them without having your boyfriend/girlfriend present, this doesn't mean they cannot be around to console, comfort and reassure you at a later stage.

STEP 5: COME OUT
The last step of the process, and usually the toughest. Basically you have prepared to the fullest for this, provided you've followed the above steps and that you are certain this is the right time. Remember: There is only so much you can prepare for the unexpected. Coming Out is a turn out of events, a turn out that cannot be precisely predicted. (Hence why one would prepare for the worst). When those words are uttered, the world doesn't change, life doesn't become eccentric and other gay people don't come running in to kiss you- this is simply because sexuality does not define you, nor does it change the world. You may feel relieved or angry, just bare in mind that the emotions are temporary, and as time passes you will become happier with your decision. This is a personal experience that you are sharing with your loved ones, that does not mean they should prevent you from living your life. NOTE: That does not mean rush into things- that will only result in regret. Take things at your own pace, and remember IT GETS BETTER!!

Lastly, I have a brief summary of things you shouldn't do when coming out:

5 things not to do when coming out:

• NEVER OUT SOMEONE ELSE. Regardless whether you've had the opportunity to come to terms or not, you should never "out" someone else without their consent. Coming Out should be kept personal, so there's no need to mention other closeted gay people. 
• Do not belittle other gays, such as stereotypes, when you've come out. By saying you're not like other gays you are simply distracting/deviating from the issue at hand, and it's counterproductive if it's acceptance you seek. Besides, you may even befriend those exact stereotypes later in life (gay men can be so funny!). So be accepting!
• Don't give GAY a negative connotation! When you've just come out you should rather expose your family/friends to the positive aspects as opposed to the negative aspects. You don't want them to associate GAY with being shameful. I'm not implying you should exclude them from the reality of being homosexual- I'm implying you should rather tell them which doors have opened rather than which have closed (because few have closed and more have opened). 
• Don't expect everyone to accept it from the get-go. It will take time for people to come to terms with this. It has taken time for you to accept this- so allow them time and space to do the same. Also DO NOT give up hope, the most homophobic of people have changed in history. 
• As mentioned above, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING GAY. This is not a decision, nor is it something to be ashamed or apologetic for, be proud of it!

Final Thought:
Read about others coming out stories, educate yourself and open yourself up to a more accepting society. Remember, if it's acceptance you seek, you have to learn to accept first. Being gay is a small game changer, your on a different team but the fields are the same, and so are the rules. Just remember- this is about you, and you set the pace. Nothing should prevent you from living your life genuinely. Being gay doesn't define who you are- but it definitely makes you a stronger person. Now go out there and live your life the way your heart always intended to!

IF YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT MY COMING OUT STORY AND OTHER EXCITING COMING OUT STORIES CHECK OUT RUCOMINGOUT.COM 

(All links have been provided within the passage)

That's so GAY!

We've all heard it before. In all honesty, I am guilty of having used the phrase myself, and for this I am ashamed. Having attended an all boy school- colloquial phrases such as, "That's so gay", became a way of reasserting your "straightness". Or so I thought. Regardless whether the phrase is spoken in jest or with malicious intent, the phrase NEEDS TO STOP BEING SAID! Admittedly, this is not easy to achieve, so in response I have found a way to combat the affects one might feel when a phrase such as this one is said...

What if I told you That's So Gay could be considered a phrase of endearment? I'm not suggesting the community should adopt the phrase as some form of catch phrase, but we could change our perspective on the phrase itself. It's almost like Positive Negativity which I spoke of months back, just put into practice...

Before we begin, let me address/express my views on the phrase: That's So Gay. "That's So Gay" is a poorly coined phrase that I believe, indicates idiocy and the inability to articulate oneself (when using the phrase). Put more simply: It's So LAME. If I could have my way, the phrase would be wiped from this planet and using such a term would result in imprisonment... That's how opposed I am to it being said. I was once as naive as to believe that the term wouldn't harm others and I would only use the phrase in jest, however that was just my way of justifying the use of the phrase. Ultimately by disregarding/neglecting the situation, you make things worse. Fortunately, my perspective changed- and I now oppose the usage of the phrase. But can I change the worlds perspective?

Changing the world's perpective will be a difficult task. I feel that first hand experience would better affect individuals rather than typing a post and hoping the world will read it... Basically; I'm going to have change perceptions through interaction with other people, and so should you. But that is not what today's post is about... 

Today I'm going to be showing you how to counter the hurtfulness this phrase has with some facts that definitely make being gay- the BEST thing ever! It's inevitable that at some point we'll hear the phrase That's So Gay being said in an attempt to devalue or defame something or someone. The term is usually said with a negative connotation, but it should not mean that to you. Gay connotes/implies homosexual (ie attracted to the same gender), but if we're looking beyond it's definitive meaning- being gay can imply greater things too. For example:

• Both Angela Merkel and Hillary Clinton of Forbes' "The World's 100 Most Powerful Woman" list support gay rights. Not only is Merkel and Clinton claimed the most powerful woman in the world, Merkel is ranked 4th on Forbes' "The World's Most Powerful People" list, with Clinton coming in at 16th and Barack Obama being 1st on the list. That's So Gay: Having The WORLD'S most influential figures backing your rights...  

•  Apple Inc. (Makers of the Iphone, Ipod etc) are the largest publicly traded corporation in the world by market capitalization. Not only does the company openly support LGBT rights, but the CEO - Tim Cook, happens to be gay himself. He also is the world's highest paid CEO of 2012. That's So Gay: Being the WORLD'S highest paid CEO of the WORLD'S largest publicly traded corporation...

• Pink Money. This is the term that refers to the purchasing power of the gay community. In 1998 the Worldwide value of pink money was $550 Billion. In 2012, for America alone, the purchasing power is expected to increase to $790 Billion. (In the US gay people are, on average, economically advantaged with 28% of gay households reported to have an income of + $50 000 annually). That's So Gay: Belonging to a community that has so much financial power that companies cater to their needs in order to secure their support...

•  What would this post be without our straight allies? To name a few of the famous and straight celebrities on our side: Brad Pitt (actor), Pink (singer), Drew Barrymore (actress), Madonna (singer), Oprah Winfrey (talk show host), Steven Spielberg (film director), Ben Cohen (rugby player), Adam Levine (singer) and many more. Literally: Anne Hathaway, Colin Farrell, David Pocock (rugby player), Chris Kluwe (Footballer), Beyonce, JayZ, Josh Hutcherson, Jennifer Aniston, Cyndi Lauper, Hillary Duff, Rosario Dawson, Clint Eastwood, Charles Barkley, Kate Winslet, Sean Avery (hockey player), Daniel Radcliffe, Julianne Moore, Miley Cyrus, Sean Penn, Russel Simmons, Natalie Portman, George Clooney, Hudson Taylor (wrestler), Angelina Jolie, Kelly and Sharon Osbourne, Barbra Streisand, Justin Bieber, Joan Rivers, Desmond Tutu and Barack Obama. That's So Gay: Having most of Hollywood and a president support your rights (and your right to marry)...

• Lastly: The Successful Gay People of today's society. Matthew Mitcham (Olympic gold medalist), Ellen Degeneres (Famous Talk show host), Marc Jacobs (fashion designer), Anderson Cooper (News anchor), Wanda Sykes (comedian), Perez Hilton (blogger), Gareth Thomas (rugby player) and Elton John (Famous singer) are all iconic in their fields of work, and in the LGBT community. That's So Gay: Becoming successful in your field of work, and leaving a legacy behind you...

All of these points essentially show how much we are at an advantage by being apart of the gay community...That's So Gay!

Final Thought:

Looking above, it makes it difficult to believe that the phrase could ever be used in a negative sense. Next time you hear someone make this offensive remark- pause, and remember: Being gay is NEVER a bad thing. Revise one of the points above mentioned, and recite it to yourself every time someone makes the remark That's So Gay. It's about time we associate being gay with being advantaged. More importantly: if you're still in school and phrases like these are thrown around regularly: just remember that most of these people are inexperienced and uneducated about the gay community. People's perceptions are likely to change once they mature, I know mine did.  

THIS POST WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT THE AMAZINGLY TALENTED CATHERINE TAIT, WHO NOT ONLY SUPPORTS ME FOR WHO I AM- BUT SUPPORTS THE WHOLE LGBT COMMUNITY AND OUR INDIVIDUALITY. THANK YOU CATHERINE: THE WORLD NEEDS MORE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SUCH AS YOURSELF!

(click her name to see her blog)

(To Find the references used simply click the links provided in the points)

Oscar Pistorius: The Golden Boy

80 000 cheers makes it impossible to deny that Oscar Pistorius, the South African blade runner, has grown to become a household name and a Paralympic ambassador - but is he more than just an advocate for the handicapped?

With the recent Paralympic Games being held in London - I have been captivated by all these inspiring athletes and their incredible stories, but none more so than Oscar Pistorius. Oscar Pistorius was born November 22, 1986 without a fibula in each of his legs. It was decided that Oscar's legs would be amputated below the knees before he learnt to walk- as this would allow greater receptivity in mobility later on in life, and evidently prove to be his strength rather than his weakness. Oscar initially played rugby, water polo and tennis in Pretoria Boys High School (the highschool I too attended), and it was only after a rugby injury that Oscar began running, for rehabilitation. The rest is, as they say, history... Currently Oscar holds the world record for the T44 400m, and also the T44 4x100m along with his fellow team mates. Oscar is also the ONLY double leg amputee EVER to compete on the Olympic track and make the Olympic final.

So how does this incredible athlete relate to being gay?

After watching the Paralympic games one evening I realized that being handicapped can be likened to being homosexual in many ways. (KEEP READING!) Not only are both handicapped people and homosexuals treated as second hand citizens, but we both have an internal obstacle to overcome. Just as Oscar, and many other disabled athletes had to overcome their impairments, we as homosexuals have to overcome our internalized fear of being who we are. In no way am I trivializing being either handicapped or homosexual - I am just comparing the struggles we both endure, just as our struggles have been compared to many other civil rights movements. This leads me to the relevance of Oscar Pistorius and his story on a blog intending to help gay youth come to terms with their sexuality. Oscar was born without a fibula in each leg and yet it hasn't prevented him from running, let alone walking. Being a double leg amputee, it would go without saying that Oscar has had a great amount of obstacles to overcome, not only physically but mentally too. Yet, here he stands, a handicapped athlete, challenging able bodied athletes at the sport.

Oscar at 2012 Olympic Games

So we're born gay, just as Oscar was born without fibulae, and here we stand confronted with this huge life obstacle we call sexuality, which in many ways scares us just as much as a physical defect. What do we do? We do what Oscar Pistorius has done, we make our weakness our strength. Oscar may be an advocate for The Paralympics, but he represents something far greater! Oscar represents the outcome of dedication, appreciation and passion, all things we as homosexuals need to adopt. Dedicate yourself to making your environment an LGBT friendlier one. Appreciate who you are, and this life you've been given- do so by making the most of every moment. Lastly, what ever you do- do so with passion. Passion is what drives you to obtain the unobtainable and achieve the impossible. Passion will guide you to what you heart desires.



Final Thought:
Regardless whether you agree that homosexuality and being handicapped are similar or not, you cannot deny that Oscar Pistorius has made the most of what he has. You are in no way different to Oscar, and there is nothing you cannot achieve. Oscar looked beyond the ability to walk- just as you should look beyond the obstacle of coming out. Dream big. Dream of an accepting world, living with the person you love and being authentic to yourself. If you can dream it, it's yours for the taking!

Oscar will be running his final race this evening in The London Paralympic games. I wish him all the best in the 400m race. He has definitely reshaped the way I see handicapped people, as well as myself!  

I'd like to show people that if you put the hard work in and you believe in yourself, then you can do whatever you want to. - OSCAR PISTORIUS

Support At The VMA's

Tomorrow is the MTV Video Music Awards, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to share with you some artists that are worth reading about.

Music has been the one constant in my life. We all relate to music in different ways, and regardless whether it's rock, electronic or classical, music has been there for us through out time. Music tells a story and sometimes it just uplifts one's spirit. I know that many of you out there feel as though music may have saved your life, and I think to a certain degree we've all been just as moved. A combination of music and emotion.

Personally, I take more interest in an artist when they're more than just a famous figure with a great voice. When an artist shares their own vulnerability, their pain or even when they show their support- it allows me to greater connect. Today I will be sharing some artists that I feel are prevalent in the support of gay rights.

Although many people would suggest that artists who support human rights do so strategically to obtain more exposure/publicity (and ultimately a bigger fan base), they are also loosing a percentage of support by supporting gay rights. The reason I believe so many artists still show their support for the LGBT community is because it's the right thing to do. When you relate to music- you connect with an artist, and when you know that the artist supports you as a whole, it makes that connection so much more authentic.

Recently, some rather large names have been showing their true colors in support. Both Kanye West and JayZ spoke up for marriage equality when they backed Barack Obama in his announcement of support earlier this year. 50 Cent showed his support in a recent interview when talking about rapper Frank Ocean's sudden coming out. Adam Levine and Madonna (who both have a gay brother) are constantly standing up for the community as are divas; Cher, Kylie Minogue, Lady Gaga, Cindy Lauper, Alanis Morissette, Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Mariah Carey, Beyonce and Christina Aguilera. The support is endless, Lily Allen sings it in her song Fuck You, and Carly Rae Jepsen shows it in the recent hit, Call Me Maybe, music video . And if that wasn't enough, pop icons Miley Cyrus and Pink also share their support for the community too; with Miley getting inked in support of marriage equality and Pink having a gay wedding in her Raise Your Glass music video.

Miley's Marriage Equality Tattoo

Adam Levine and his brother Michael

Recently openly gay rapper Frank Ocean

Here I sit in the unfortunate position of not being able to share all these artists stories of support with you, simply because there is far too many. With some of the biggest names in the music industry mentioned it's hard to believe we still need support. And that's just the straight allies (as I like to call them). Lady Gaga, Sam Sparro, Ricky Martin, Elton John, Tracy Chapman, Mika, Adam Lambert, George Michael, Frank Ocean, Chris Willis, Michael Stipe (Lead singer of R.E.M), Kere Okereke (Lead singer of Bloc Party), Will Young, Lance Bass, Boy George, Freddy Mercury and all the boys of the group The Scissor Sisters are just some gay, lesbian and bisexual artists to date.When I look at this list I can't help but notice how many of these artists are SO INCREDIBLE at what they do and respectfully so.

Singer/Song-writer Sam Sparro

Bloc Party lead singer Kere Okereke

Final Thought:
After reading this star-filled blog post I want you to be left feeling in awe. Awe, because of the star power that backs the gay community and most importantly you. None of these artists are defined by their sexuality- and neither should you be. Their music, from which we gain pleasure and fulfillment is just a by-product of their amazing characters. You hear them on the radio, you play them on your ipod- and now you have them on your side.  As the late Freddy Mercury once sang, "open your eyes, look up to the skies and see."

If you're looking to find out other gay artists check out this Top 50 Gay Artist Post. Also- check out video of the week to see Mika speak out about love before performing a song OR watch Mariah Carey and Kylie Minogue's gay fans purpose on stage during their concerts. Alternatively you could watch the Carly Rae Jepsen and Pink music videos below.

I apologize if I have left any artists out, in all honesty there are far too many stories and people to share in this instance.